What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 02:17
I said to her
But it wasn’t much.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
What would you do if you were lost at sea in the Florida Keys?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Does a person with schizophrenia hear voices?
We were not on the streets..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Why do wives cheat on their loyal husbands?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
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Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I never cut or harmed myself..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I waited trembling.
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I will be 64.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
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19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He knew the spot.
When she asked me how she looked .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I could never make a relationship work though!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Can a relationship really last forever?
Ive learnt so much.
I was 9 years of age.
I couldn’t, believe it.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But, we were locked up after school.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I know ,a lot about trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
(And it was in our own minds.)
It was going to be , some day.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I don,t even have a pension.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im still living with it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Would this be the day?
She married twice! .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And i lived it daily.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
We all went to grammer schools
I was scared of men, in general
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Comes on , in middle age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I had hoped to write a book about this .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
One cannot live in the past .
I think the readers, may guess!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Put me off passion for life!!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My family never makes their pension either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She found it foreign!.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Especially a lifetime of it.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She loved him until the end.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I was seconnd youngest,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She wouldn,t have been !
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
What did i know ?
As i do to all so called friends.?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
So, i spoilt her more .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I write beautiful poetry .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
All the time i was locked up.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I was very sick at this time too.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I have no regrets .
My life is so biszare .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Who then, do I blame.?
This is soul school!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She was in good health!
So whats the point in blame.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!